Sex For President 1984: 525-13. ‘Nuff Said.

 

1984 – Ronald Reagan vs. Walter Mondale

This is an installment in the series Sex For President, which considers the 2012 U.S. presidential race between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney in the historical context of previous U.S. presidential elections. To read more about the premise of Sex For President, read the first installment: https://americanparser.wordpress.com/2012/05/23/sex-for-president/

Ronald Reagan

Walter “Fritz” Mondale

Oh, this was a tough one, alright. The Great Communicator, Ronald Reagan, vs. Mr. Personality, Walter Mondale. This guy exudes the raw, unbridled sex appeal of a pocket protector. The only reason he won Minnesota is because he wasn’t born in Canada.

It’s really a shame that I was born a scant three weeks too late too vote in this election. The peach color represents sex appeal. In case you’re wondering, Republicans didn’t really embrace red as their color until after the Soviet Union collapsed, just to avoid confusion. Here’s the full color tally:

If your parents told you that you were born in Minnesota between October of 1984 and September of 1985, then unless they conceived you in another state, THEY LIED TO YOU! Above is absolute proof that nobody had sex in Minnesota in 1984.

The final electoral count was, yes, 525-13. Ouch. But only 10 for Mondale from Minnesota.

Aye, laddies! But where be dee odder tree votes, you ask? Why, dey be from Mister Mondale’s odder abode, in Worshington, D.C., no less!

Man, did I butcher that, or what? Deepest apologies to my Irish cousins. You guys grow the best grass anywhere in the world!

Ronald Reagan

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